Heart & Soul of a Single Dad

2017, has been a challenging year for my family.  I often heard that it's the challenges that make us stronger.  Those words have given me solace during the tougher days.  In July, my paternal grandfather passed away.  Then October 25 my Uncle passed away.  Earlier this year I wrote a blog, My Grandfather's Legacy , which shared a few thoughts on how my grandfather's presence in my life influenced my path.  My Uncle Lester left a great impression on my life as well.  Several times during this year and the years past I had to rely on my Uncle's wisdom.  Life came at me really fast and there were times I was so caught up in my movements I didn't get a chance to live and enjoy the things that I worked for.  My Uncle told me a couple things that have served me well and I'm sure it will continue to serve me in the future. 1.  Be true to yourself.  Define yourself for yourself and don't let others tell you who you are. 2.  Be a man of your word. 3.  Don&

On July 2, 2017, my last living grandparent Elmore Bell, Sr. passed away at the age of 94.  Born in 1923 his eyes were filled with wisdom.  During his later years as his voice began to dim the wisdom of his words increased in value.  At his funeral, my cousin and I had a conversation detailing what being a man in our family meant and what it will mean moving forward.  During our conversation, the weight of his legacy rested on my shoulders.  He made sure we know who we are, where we come from, and where we are expected to go.  We also know the road ahead won't be easy but the expectation is for us to get to the destination regardless. My grandfather set the standard for men in our lineage high.  He was married to the same woman for 52 years, managed to put all his children through college, and lived long enough to see 10 of his great-grandchildren!  The family was a priority for him.  He left his hometown and decided to settle in Jacksonville, FL.  Once he settled a few of h

Today is Father's Day and as I reflect on my circle of life ( being a grandson, son, and father) I realize how important it is for us as fathers to be present.  The impact of a Father on a child is immeasurable!  Father's have been tasked with providing and protecting but our role is much more expansive than that.  Our words and leadership either sets our children on a path of freedom or bondage.  Let's think about this.  How valuable is it for a child to look over at dad and hear dad say, "You can do it"?  Now, imagine the reverse.  Imagine the challenging time or even the celebration in which your child looks for you and you aren't there.  Imagine the impression it leaves. Our children are part us.  They are a reflection of our past self.  How will they know who they are if we don't tell them?  There is a generation of men who have been hurt by their father and/or lack of his presence in their life.  I feel your pain but not having a father pr

One of the best conversations I've had this year revolved around male responsibility.  What is a responsibility?  What is the male responsible for?  What is the guiding for in determining any of the above?  Those are some tough questions.  You would probably get a different answer from each person you ask.  I submit that is what makes the answer even more important. Self Awareness stood out most to me.  I've often grappled with the questions, "Who am I?" or "Why am I here?".  In my journey from boy to man, those have been my guiding force questions.  It was a point in my life where I couldn't answer the questions and as a result, I was subject to whatever anyone in my ear said about me.  After years of this, I realized I was heading in the wrong direction.  My inner compass told me something was wrong and I was heading in the wrong direction.  I had to be built up from the ground floor based on who I am and finding out why I am here (purpose).  When

I heard about Shaken Baby Syndrome  in a meeting and subsequently had an opportunity to sit in on a training about the syndrome.  I'm glad I had the opportunity to partake in this training as I gained a wealth of knowledge that I can share to enlighten others and hopefully prevent at least one incident of shaken baby syndrome.  The training started off with a video which gave a visual glimpse of what causes the syndrome. Shaken Baby Syndrome is an aggressive shaking of a child most likely as a result of the child crying for extended periods of time. There are some common threads did stick out. Most perpetrators of the shaking are male (biological father or the current boyfriend of the mother).  Be mindful any person is capable of shaking the baby such as childcare providers, family members, etc.  Why do you say?  The other factors which include stress (family or financial), not being use to the child's crying, less familiar with the child's needs, etc.  Normal activit

My daughter and I participated in the Daddy and Me fashion show this past Saturday hosted by the Fatherhood P.R.I.D.E (Parental Responsibility Inspiring Dads Everywhere) program in Jacksonville, FL.  Fatherhood P.R.I.D.E. is a part of the Northeast Florida Healthy Start Coalition with the specific focus of providing comprehensive fatherhood services to the dads in Baker, Clay, Duval, Nassau and St. Johns counties.  It was our first time participating in a fashion show (my daughter and I had one prior opportunity but scheduling won't allow us to participate) and initially my daughter and I were excited as we thought is was a great idea and it created a special time for us to bond. I learned so much participating in the Daddy and Me Fashion show about my daughter, my myself, and the meaning of our interaction.  Leading up to the fashion show all was well but as the date grew near I must say I felt a little pressure.  What would we wear?  How many people would be in atten

The theme around my last post dealt with fatherless sons specifically as it relates to young men coming of age without much male guidance.  In this post, I want to discuss how at times dad’s face many personal dilemmas which often leads to dad being on the outside looking in as it pertains to the decision-making process. I said it before and I'll say it again whenever and wherever possible a conscious decision has to be made to involve the father in the upbringing of his child(ren).   I know several fathers that want to play integral roles in their child’s life and/or redeem themselves as the “man” in the eyes of the family, on some occasions those eyes are their very own.  In our society, there is little sympathy and/or empathy for fathers and it shrinks when it appears the man has abandoned his responsibility to his children.  My intent isn’t to defend, make a case, or make an excuse.  What I want to do is cause the reader to look objectively at the dilemma of dad on the outs

(The boy has become a man) One day the fatherless son will become a man and potentially a father.  If the current trends continue he won’t have a frame of reference as to how a father is supposed to conduct himself in the home.  In addition to that most outside influences will not be reaffirming to him if he watches movies, looks at television, watches sports, or listens to most music the influence of Dad is seldom highlighted and if so it’s pain because of his absence.. This is a dilemma that deserves our collective attention.  For decades the father has represented security, provision, guidance, and quiet strength.  Without this vital part of the equation, the family is at high risk for collapse.  The mother must do what is necessary to raise the family on her own and keep her best foot forward while inwardly holding resentment towards a man that left her.  While mom is dealing with the priorities of the home in an age where is almost a necessity to have two incomes her ch

The very idea of manhood is complex.  If you ask 10 people how they define manhood you may get 10 different answers.  Yet, if you ask those same men about their journey even though the actual steps may be different there will be common threads.  The commonality is where the opportunity to build lives. Admittedly so there isn’t a manual provided to a parent once a child is born detailing the steps necessary to raise their new bundle of joy.  With that being said all one can do is be the best parent they can be.  In many cases Dad’s draw on the experience of their family structure which provides some structure.  That's if there was a man in the house otherwise it's solely on the job training without the benefit of a previous model.  There are several adaptations to this model, the father/father figure may have had a rough upbringing, there may not be a male figure in the home at all.  This tremendously hinders development on the journey from boy to many.  You see th

The final installation in my “Fences” series highlights none other than Rose Maxson played by Viola Davis .   Her performance was so stellar she made history becoming the first black woman in history to win an Oscar, Emmy, and Tony award.  Her performance was stellar.  As Rose Maxon, Davis was the epitome of strength, poise, and grace.  She was the glue that kept her family together.  Rose married Troy, a sanitation worker after he was released from prison.   Troy had a child from a previous marriage and was frustrated due to the way his life turned out.  I remember a scene in the movie that jarred me.  Troy was saying how he gave everything he had and he didn’t have anything left to give.  He said he had been in the same place in life for 18 years and Rose said I’ve been here with you.  Wow!  Anyone that has faced challenges knows what an asset it is to have someone in your corner. Rose found a way to become a buffer between Troy and Cory while being a bridge between Troy and

Last week I wrote about the frustrations of a man in consideration of the movie “Fences”.  When I began this series of my Fatherhood blog dedicated to digging deeper into the movie my intent was to explore the array of feelings that arose inside of me as I sat in the theater.  As I stated in the first blog this movie took me on the journey from boy to man and eventually father all over again. Troy (Denzel Washington) has 2 sons.  Lyons (Russell Hornsby) who was born out of wedlock before Troy went to prison and Cory (Jovan Adepo) who was born in wedlock and saw Troy in the home on a daily basis.  Lyons once confronted Troy about his absence in his life in the living room of Troy’s home but when the backyard conversation happened when Troy talked about his upbringing it felt as if Lyons came terms with his father as he understood Troy a lot better.  Cory on the other hand had Troy in the home and their relationship was troublesome, to put it mildly.  I chalk it up to gross mis

The setting for most of the film was in the backyard.  If the backyard could talk it would probably tell you about frustration, unmet dreams, and regret.  It’s where Troy poured out his soul to Bono, Lyons, Rose, and Corey.  One of the most poignant points from the vantage point of the father, in my opinion, was when Troy, Lyons (eldest son), and Bono (best friend) were in the backyard discussing Troy’s journey from youth to manhood.  It was a particular situation at home causing him to leave home at the tender age of 14 after a confrontation with his daddy.  As Troy went deeper he spoke on how he survived his early years of life on his own by committing crimes in order to feed himself and ultimately his woman and child.  The thing that made this part so important to me was earlier in the movie while trying to borrow some money Lyon’s made mention of Troy not being around to raise him now he had his answer.  Troy went to prison. This revelation gives light to an issue that plague

Recently I viewed the major motion film “Fences”.  In my opinion is was a great movie with an amazing cast.  Initially, when I went to view the film I went alone and I'm glad I did.  I wanted to soak up everything the film had to offer.  I received my wish, as I sat in the theater the film tapped into an every emotion that I have.  I was angry, sad, excited, and confused to the point that I got up from my seat to leave the theater and as I walked down the aisle I was pulled back into my seat.  I allowed the movie to take me on the journey from boy to man all over again. Fences forced me to look at manhood through a different lens.  A realistic one that delved deeply into the emotions of a man.  A frustrated man that seeks to provide for his family and find a place peace for himself in the midst of regrets and growing responsibility.  As a result, I reevaluated my trajectory from boy to man.  I don’t think I could have appreciated this film in this fashion I did if I wasn’t a

In my previous blog Missing Fathers , I broached a subject that I believe needs more attention on a deeper scale.  The topic of Missing Fathers is poignant with a myriad of angles, that I’m revisiting the discussion in an attempt to do it more justice.  I’d also like to note that my intent is to always approach such subject matter from a solution-oriented mindset. As I watch the news, research related statistics and observe Jacksonville’s culture, I realize missing fathers is a huge problem, and the effects of their absence manifests in the children and communities  I have noticed many community-based initiatives now exist  with one goal: to “save” the children. One glaring flaw, in my opinion, is the fact that most of the efforts fail to appropriately re-insert the father into the family or the life of his children.  Leading me to question whether that these efforts seek to replace fathers or capitalize off of their absences rather than create bridges to re-establish the rol

During the past two decades, maybe even more, there has been a seeming mass exodus of fathers from both the home and the basic involvement in their children’s lives.  I think there is a variety of reasons that play a role in this epidemic, starting with systematic separation, which involves child support, visitation, etc.  Other factors include the mass incarceration of young minorities, a lack of appropriate male role models and even plain-old walking away from family responsibilities. Whatever the reason, the subsequent effects on child development can be excruciatingly painful. The ripple effects are long-term and costly to both local communities and our nation on the whole.  Missing fathers create voids in their children’s psyche, which may seem insignificant for several years. Single mothers may not even recognize the debilitating effects of fatherless homes as they spend their days tirelessly working to to maintain their homes their children lack knowledge of the other h

I’ve used my blog to connect with readers since 2011, and this intimate communication method has served meaningful purposes for me. I have found blogging to be a genuine form of self expression that allows me to write in a public forum as I write longer pieces that will be included in my upcoming books. During the past 5 years, I’ve learned so much about communication, blogging, marketing, priorities but most importantly I’ve learned so much about myself.   I’ve learned about direction, focus, planning, and implementation.  As a result over the next year the content of my blog will shift slightly. Observing our current culture and society brings to light so many pertinent issues that so many groups and individuals struggle with every day. After learning more about my craft through renewed dedication, I’ve decided to primarily focus on my journey to fatherhood from the perspective on a particular topic that I carry with me every moment of my life. “Single father” is my most e